December 14, 2008 - Just Another Day in My Blog

Humans make mistakes, right? In fact, that is really how we learn is from the mistakes we make along the way.

I made one a few days ago, and I broke one of The Four Agreements in the process.

I assumed. The Third Agreement is: Don't Make Assumptions.

I let a 'judger' get in my way, and I let that parasite cloud my own judgment! And then I became a victim, and I blamed someone for my hurt.

I'm a spiritual person…not religious but pretty spiritual. And I really believe in the Toltec's wisdom of the Four Agreements. And I feel pretty bad to have broken one of them.

Some of what I'm about to write is taken directly our of the book, The Four Agreements. Some of it is paraphrased or my own words. But I want to share with folks out there about this important agreement. And you should go read this book if you haven't already. The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.

We all have a tendency to make assumptions….about everything! If the cashier at the store is in a bad mood, we tend to get all pissed off thinking that she is pissed at us or being rude to us. But what if she just found out her dog died? We should not assume anything about her. If someone you tells you something, a secret/rumor, we should not assume it is true.

The huge issue with assumptions is that we take them personally. We take them personally b/c we actually believe it is real or that it is the truth. If you do not assume things, then you wouldn't take everything so personally…and you wouldn't blame anyone for anything, and then your life would be so much more merrier. You could be an owner!!! An owner of your own emotions! An owner of your spirit.

I really hate drama. There are so many people out there though that seem to love it. They live for it. Maybe that is why so many people love reality television. They live for other people's drama. However, drama causes emotional poison.

True, life is full of drama. But in reality, drama is really only how you perceive it to be. We control our emotions. We can change our own perceptions. Sure, we cannot control everything or anyone around us, but we can control how we are going to react. It is a choice. You can choose to be happy or you can choose to suffer. As harsh as that may sound, it is true. I see kids with cancer who are so happy…they are smiling. Deep down they suffer from a horrible disease, but they are owners of their spirit, and they are not victims. If they can still be happy, then why can't we? People take for granted all kinds of shit!

Ok, back to the real subject at hand….sorry!

One way to create drama is to gossip. I hate gossip and I can't stand it when people do it. Do you not have anything else better to do in your life besides sit around and talk about other people? I know that I am guilty too. I'm not perfect, but gossip really sux. It can cause a lot of heartache for the ones who are involved, and it is ugly. It hurts people.

People will believe or rather assume the gossip is true because they are afraid to ask for clarification. Instead people believe the gossip. They assume it is true, they believe they are right so they defend their assumptions by blaming someone else for it. Why couldn't they just ask that person?

Assuming things makes us suffer...it clouds your judgment. It is better to ask questions, instead of assume. And just as that holds true in relationships, it holds true at work too, right? If you don't ask questions and you just assume things, you probably aren't going to get the job done right.

When you make assumptions, you are only asking for problems. In relationships, it leads to a lot of fights, a lot of difficulties, a lot of misunderstandings…

Humans have the need to justify everything. Why? Why do we need to be validated all the time?

'Often when you go into a relationship, you have to justify why you like that person. You only see what you want to see and deny the things you don't want to see. You lie to yourself to make yourself right. (Another interesting fact after the first 3 months of dating...you start really seeing the real person...for who they really are) Then you make assumptions, and one of them is, 'My love will change this person. But this is not true. Your love doesn't change anyone! If someone changes, it is only b/c that person wants to change, not b/c you want them to. Then something happens between the two of you, and you get hurt. Suddenly you see what you didn't want to see before. But now, it is amplified by your own emotional poison. Now you have to be validated and so you blame them for your own choices.'

'Real love is accepting other people the way they are…without trying to change them. If you try to change someone, it means you don't really like them.'

'If others feel they have to change you, that really means they don't love you just the way you are.' I refuse to date someone or even have friends in my life who try to change me.

If I have to be someone else, then that means I am fake…I am a false image. I don't want to represent a false image. I am who I am. If you don't like it, then fuck off! I really admire people who live with this principle. It is hard. It is so hard to be this way…to not worry what other people will think of you…to wonder what they are saying behind your back. It is so rare to meet someone who actually loves you for you! This is something i really need to work on is not caring what others think and just focus on being me. I let others be who they are, right? So why do I always end up apologizing for who I am?

I really hate it when people judge me or people try to change who I am. Therefore I would never try to do that to someone else. Besides, I wouldn't want to date someone just like me…I would never learn anything new from that person. I don't want to control anyone or change them.

I can't stand it when folks tell me rumors about someone…if you don't know if it is true, you shouldn't be repeating it. Never assume anything. And why do people always seem to start shit, and then end it all by saying, 'Well, I just don't want to be in the middle of it.' Well, why did you start it in the first place?

I also can't stand it when folks are passive aggressive…or try to use that shit on me. I am blunt, so if something I say rubbed you the wrong way, then just ask me straight up about it. Don't assume that I am angry at you or don't assume that I'm in a bad mood, etc. ,etc. I would rather be brutally honest or hear brutal honesty than for someone to be passive aggressive. Passive aggressive behavior means you assume things, and that means you take things personally. Not everything is about YOU!

'Find your voice and ask for what you want.'

'Ask questions, and you won't assume things. Make sure communication is clear. If you don't understand something, ask! Never assume you know everything there is to know about a given situation.' The odds are that you never will.

The Four Agreements are:
1. Be impeccable with your word
2. Don't take anything personally
3. Don't make assumptions
4. Always do your best