Learn to Cultivate Joy

I'm not really sure how to do this right now....I mean, I know it's true, but...

I do know that anger steals your joy in life. Am I really angry? No, I don't think so. I just feel uncomfortable and a little awkward moreso.

“Between stimulus and response, there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom.” - Viktor Frankl

We need to be able to recognize that space so we can choose to get out of our habitual cycles of potential negative rumination and realize we have a choice and that choice may be to practice ways to awaken joy in our lives or incline our minds toward the good. This is not to ignore the difficulties in our lives, but just to help correct the automatic negativity bias that’s neurologically built in as a survival mechanism. Right now, I want to do more than just survive. You know? I want to live well.

But is my choice to remove myself a wrong choice? I mean, I face my other fears in life head on.
Then again, I'm probably comparing apples to oranges and giving myself a really hard time.

“We often think if only life were a little different—better, easier, more comfortable, more in my favor—then I could feel joy. We hold our joy out there like a carrot on a stick, saying, ‘When I get through this conflict with my boss or my mother, then maybe I’ll have a moment of joy, or when I get past my depression, my despair, my loneliness…’ But the potential for joy is always present, and the key to accessing it is saying ‘Yes’ to whatever is true in this moment, whether or not we like what’s going on or expect it." - Carolynn Hobbs, from the book Awakening Joy by James Baraz

But we are also supposed to take care of ourselves too. How can we say yes to something we already know will put us in a situation that would harm us or make us act out or add drama to our life somehow? But then again, drama is about perception too....we as humans create our own drama.

“This of something in your life that you’re not too happy about—perhaps a conflict, a health issue, something you wish hadn’t appeared at all. Without any judgment, notice your first reaction. Then try saying ‘Yes’ to this situation. Notice what happens inside you as you do this. What you’re experiencing may not be what you wanted or expected, but saying yes can empower you and give you the courage to handle whatever rests on your plate.” - Carolynn Hobbs

Carolynn Hobbs is the author of Joy, No Matter What. Maybe I should read her book?

What gives me joy and what holds me back from joy right now in this present moment are the exact same things. It doesn't make much sense to me either!!!

holy cow...

So, I'm having knee issues (again)....it's not like they ever stopped.

My doc appointment was this past Monday, but they coudn't get me in for an MRI until this Monday, the 29th. Bummer! Guess when my follow-up appointment is for the MRI? On the 12th of April. LOL

I have 2 climbing trips and a bridge run all beore that follow-up appointment! Jeez.

I am betting that I'm wasting a shit ton of money on this MRI. I really don't think there is a tear. I think my muscles are just really weak and some are overtrained compared to others.

I bought some knee braces/supports to start using. I hate the way they feel on the back of my legs, but my knee feels really supported though!

I have a race in May that I'm kinda worried about now. I'm doing the Warrior Dash. It's a 3+ mile race with 11 obstacles. It's mainly for fun, but I would like to be able to run though.

It hurts to sit crossed-leg at my desk at work. But I won't even be able to start ANY physical therapy until after the 12th of April. What a joke!!! I'm so frustrated.

a crowded mountain

Saturday, March 20, 2010

I went with Eddie, Jan, Nicole, Ashley, Tobias and Rebecca to Crowder's Mountain.

And yes, it was pretty crowded as usual. I have only been there maybe 3 times before this? And it is always crowded.

I had a blast yesterday. I felt like I got victory too.

There was a route called The Opinionated 5.9 on The Red Wall that I had to be lowered on (TR) back in 2007 on my 3rd outdoor trip. I had just started climbing really in late July 2007 in the gym. Yesterday was my first time getting back on this route (TR), and I topped it out! :)

There was this really weird 5.8 we climbed that was really rough. It had finger holes/pockets all over the place. Just different, but I liked it. It was a fun climb.

We climbed on another 5.9 (don't know the name). It was our first route of the day, so I went left on that route and did the easier version. HA! I climbed this one twice. I cleaned the anchor when we were all done.

I also tried a 10b. But i couldn't get through this one area so I had to come down. It was my first real climbing trip/outing of the season/year. I'm just out of shape.

Crowder's isn't really that bad. There are some great routes there. I mean, I would never say it is a destination crag, but hey, it is 2 hours away. It is Columbia's version of Raleigh's, Pilot Mountain.... Our other two crags nearby that are only about 2 to 2.5 hrs away are Rumbling Bald and Looking Glass Rock...they are slab though.

I'm not sure how I feel about the approach at Crowder's. The first time, it was awful. The 2nd time, it was awful. The 3rd time...awful. I mean, for my ankles, it was great. It is an uphill gravel road and at the end of the road, there is a staircase. Not too bad, if you are good at cardio and like the quad burn. But I still think I prefer those approaches where you have trees and roots to use for hand holds, etc. But those are the ones that I'm scared to face plant on. It's gonna hurt.

After the approach to the top of Crowder's. You must then go down to the base of the crag. You go through all of this crazy scrambling. From there you can hang top ropes from the top or go down this gully (harder than the 3 bears gully at Pilot) to David's Castle. It had been forever since I had been out there. But once you get out there, it all comes back.

I have been having knee issues lately. I feel pretty good today though. My arms and pecs and back are sore though....it hurts to breathe! lol
But this is really the first trip of the year. Two weekends ago, I was at RB and we did tons of hiking and bushwhacking......but no climbing, really. So I consider yesterday to be my first time getting back out on the rock. I've been bouldering twice this year and ice climbed once. I'm ready to get back in shape. I can tell my endurance sucks too. Before May of last year, I was running a lot and more active and in the best shape ever. I didn't climb as much as I would've liked compared to 2008. And I wasn't doing yoga.

2010 is gonna be better I hope. NO more laziness.

no more dysfunctional bs in my life, please!

I really want more backbone......i want tougher skin. I want to be true to myself in every sense of the word....not let others get to me. I don't want to be rude or mean to people, but I just don't want to care one bit what they think. I want to be able to detach myself from things that don't matter.

I want to relax more. Relax in my own skin.

I want to stop comparing myself to others.....why? Why would you ever do that to yourself?

I want to be more laid back.

I want more confidence...break down mental blocks.

I want to be far, far away from those who cause me anxiety...why would i want that in my life? I want to be around others who are laid back and are more positive and I can feed off of what they are sending me.

I want to toughen up and "man up"!

I want to laugh it off when things get hard...not take things in this life so seriously.

I want to be around someone who will dig me up when the better part of me gets covered, not around those who hold me back with their own fears or shortcomings...I don't want to be around those who instill doubt into my mind. And I definitely don't want to be with those who give up on me.

I have started on this long road, but I still have so much farther to go yet!

:)

some advice for me...

http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/columnists/chi-schmich-sunscreen-column,0,4054576.column

Wow! This article was pretty awesome!

I've been feeling kinda down lately. A friend sent this to me. Clever!!!

Haven't Met You Yet by Michael Buble

I'm Not Surprised
Not Everything Lasts
I've Broken My Heart So Many Times,
I Stop Keeping Track.
Talk Myself In
I Talk Myself Out
I Get All Worked Up
And Then I Let Myself Down.

I Tried So Very Hard Not To Loose It
I Came Up With A Million Excuses
I Thought I Thought Of Every Possibility

And I Know Someday That It'll All Turn Out
You'll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out
And I Promise You Kid That I'll Give So Much More Than I Get
I Just Haven't Met You Yet

Mmmmm ....

I Might Have To Wait
I'll Never Give Up
I Guess It's Half Timing
And The Other Half's Luck
Wherever You Are
Whenever It's Right
You Come Out Of Nowhere And Into My Life

And I Know That We Can Be So Amazing
And Baby Your Love Is Gonna Change Me
And Now I Can See Every Possibility

Mmmmm ......

And Somehow I Know That It Will All Turn Out
And You'll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out
And I Promise You Kid I'll Give So Much More Than I Get
I Just Haven't Met You Yet

They Say All's Fair
And In Love And War
But I Won't Need To Fight It
We'll Get It Right
And We'll Be United

And I Know That We Can Be So Amazing
And Being In Your Life Is Gonna Change Me
And Now I Can See Every Single Possibility

Mmmm .....

And Someday I Know It'll All Turn Out
And I'll Work To Work It Out
Promise You Kid I'll Give More Than I Get
Than I Get Than I Get Than I Get

Oh You Know It'll All Turn Out
And You'll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out
And I Promise You Kid To Give So Much More Than I Get
Yeah I Just Haven't Met You Yet

I Just Haven't Met You Yet
Oh Promise You Kid
To Give So Much More Than I Get

I Said Love Love Love Love Love Love Love .....
I Just Haven't Met You Yet
Love Love Love .....
I Just Haven't Met You Yet

Columbia, SC

Not really a bad place to live, really.

I am 2 hrs. from 3 different NC crags.
3 to 3.5 hrs away from some GA crags and the other NC crags!
2 hrs. from Charleston, SC and 2.5 to 3 hrs from a ton of nice beaches!
5.5 hrs. from The New River Gorge in West Virginia and 5.5 hrs away from some great climbing in TN and Alabama!!!
Charlotte, NC is only 1.5 hrs away and there is an international airport there.
Some great climbing at Seneca Rocks in only 7 hrs away and The Red is only 8 hrs away.


We have rivers here for kayaking, and an actual city dowtown. A small one, but a city nonetheless.

We have a forest here to bike in.

We have an awesome National Forest here...The Congaree Swamp!

I have a climbing gym here.

The cost of living here is so much cheaper than most places!!!

I don't know...I'm pretty content.

Lateralus

These are some of the lyrics to the Tool song, Lateralus...a new friend sent these lyrics to me this morning.

"...Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind.
Withering my intuition leaving all these opportunities behind.
Feed my will to feel this moment urging me to cross the line.
Reaching out to embrace the random.
Reaching out to embrace whatever may come.
I embrace my desire to feel the rhythm,
to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow
to feel inspired, to fathom the power,
to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain,
to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human.
With my feet upon the ground I lose myself
between the sounds and open wide to suck it in,
I feel it move across my skin.
I'm reaching up and reaching out,
I'm reaching for the random
or what ever will bewilder me.
And following our will and wind we may just go where no one's been.
We'll ride the spiral to the end and may just go where no one's been.
Spiral out. Keep going, going..."

from a previous blog from December 2008

I feel like I need to repost something here today!

I really hate drama. There are so many people out there though that seem to love it. They live for it. Maybe that is why so many people love reality television. They live for other people's drama. Is your life really that boring?

However, drama causes emotional poison. True, life is full of drama. But in reality, drama is really only how you perceive it to be. We control our emotions. We can change our own perceptions. Sure, we cannot control everything or anyone around us, but we can control how we are going to react. It is a choice. You can choose to be happy or you can choose to suffer. As harsh as that may sound, it is true.

And right now, today, I am choosing not to suffer. I have not been being an owner lately. I'm not proud of that either. So, I decided to walk away completely from a situation, from a "friend". I want to be happy again...drama free.

This is something I wrote about after reading The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz awhile back.

I've gotten so far from this book over the last few months. :(
And I will never again date or be with a man who has not read this book.

Here goes:

'Often when you go into a relationship, you have to justify why you like that person. You only see what you want to see and deny the things you don't want to see. You lie to yourself to make yourself right. (Another interesting fact after the first 3 months of dating...you start really seeing the real person...for who they really are) Then you make assumptions, and one of them is, 'My love will change this person. But this is not true. Your love doesn't change anyone! If someone changes, it is only b/c that person wants to change, not b/c you want them to. Then something happens between the two of you, and you get hurt. Suddenly you see what you didn't want to see before. But now, it is amplified by your own emotional poison. Now you have to be validated and so you blame them for your own choices.'

I also can't stand it when folks are passive aggressive…or try to use that shit on me. I am blunt, so if something I say rubbed you the wrong way, then just ask me straight up about it. Don't assume that I am angry at you or don't assume that I'm in a bad mood, etc. ,etc. I would rather be brutally honest or hear brutal honesty than for someone to be passive aggressive. Passive aggressive behavior means you assume things, and that means you take things personally. Not everything is about YOU! I'm not going to walk on eggshells around you, please don't do that to me!!!

'Real love is accepting other people the way they are…without trying to change them. If you try to change someone, it means you don't really like them. ''If others feel they have to change you, that really means they don't love you just the way you are." I refuse to date someone or even have friends in my life who try to change me. If I have to be someone else, then that means I am fake…I am a false image. I don't want to represent a false image. I am who I am. If you don't like it, then fuck off!

I really admire people who live with this principle. It is hard. It is so hard to be this way…to not worry what other people will think of you…to wonder what they are saying behind your back. It is so rare to meet someone who actually loves you for you! This is something i really need to work on is not caring what others think and just focus on being me. I let others be who they are, right? So why do I always end up apologizing for who I am?

funny how life works....

So for the last 2 years or really since 2007, I've been wanting a starter camera so I can get into photography. But I haven't really been able to afford it. I mean, you have to buy all the lenses, etc. Just expensive...I really want to pay off my bills.

Well, I am still paying off bills, but now as i'm slowly getting things paid off, I am able to once and awhile buy something really nice where i can pay cash for it and not charge it on a credit card! (like my new BD C4s)

Well, the universe works mysteriously in some ways!!!

My friend is selling her Canon Rebel XTi with the 18-55 mm lens and the big, 75-300 mm lens as well....all for $500! And she said I can pay her in payments! Whoo-hoo! I won't have to charge it on a credit card. I'm super stoked! The big lens sell for almost $200 and the camera with the 18-55 mm lens can be from $550 to over $700!

I have been wanting one of these for so long now. I really want to learn photography. I am so damn intimidated by these cameras too! lol I cannot wait to buy it!

removing myself completely

I don't how you guys out there feel about self-torture, but I prefer to not do that to myself. I mean, why would you? To prove you are strong? lol

Strong is to be able to respect yourself enough to not want to subject yourself to a situation that is full of drama or a place where you know you might act inappropriately. I'm mainly talking about realtionships here and my heart. If I know something would rip my heart out or make me crazy to witness, why would I even want that in my life?

Sure, I'm a little embarrassed right now for being stupid and for not trusting my gut.

However, I do have self-respect! That is one thing I do know for sure.

Just because I remove myself completely from a situation and rid my life of the trouble, doesn't mean I'm weak...and it doesn't mean I am running away.

I am protecting myself...taking care of ME like I should have been doing for months now! STRONG!

I refuse to let my life be a soap opera!

And yes, climbing is very important to me, but not THAT important to where I have to subject myself to torture!!! (seeing someone with another)

There are more things to life than that! There are more partners to climb with. I'm not that desperate.

I really needed this message this morning!

When something difficult or painful happens, Sue, always look to see what it makes possible that wouldn't have otherwise been possible.
Like a new adventure, a closer friendship, or chocolate in your peanut butter.

Everything makes you better,
The Universe

:(

Everything sux!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just when i think I'm ok, I'M NOT!

Everything is so fucked right now!

Cool quote I found!

"A dead end is just a good place to turn around"

it's my birthday, it's my birthday...

So, I have been working really hard lately....trying to boulder more and strength train, etc. Now I'm climbing stronger than ever. I just wish I could start getting on the sharp end of things though. I'm still not there yet. Too scared. However, the more 10s I can start climbing on and start feeling more comfy on, I feel like I'll be leading soon.

As of the end of last week though, I got the flu on top of bronchitis! UGH! So, yeah, now that I kinda feel better overall, my chest is still full of that crap! I need rest. No climbing! This sux. I'm hoping though that this rest will actually help me instead of make me weaker. I hope to be back in the gym on Thursday. Keeping my fingers crossed!

I'm 35 today! Whoo-hoo! I'm not really where I thought I would be at 35. I'm not making the money nor do I have that dream job i thought I would have, but I never knew either that I would be climbing on big rocks and having awesome friends that I have! I still don't know if I will ever meet that man of my dreams, but everything happens for some kind of a reason. Life is mysterious.