live out loud

Since 2007, I have been on the quest to search for something large...larger than life...larger than myself. "Nothing happens without personal transformation." I wasn't happy with certain things in my life, and I wanted a change.

Some folks find comfort in themselves...and in things...external achievements. Success to them is how much money they make, that fancy car in their garage....their "title"...their status quo revolves around material things. Or it also can revolve around how greater at things they are over others. Some folks even go outside of themselves to learn instead of going inside. Inside is where it begins. Hiding behind all of those external achievements, in the long term, isn't going to get you anywhere. It only lasts short term. You can't hide for too long.

Lately, I've been in a funk. :(
I've been anxious, sad, down, moody, etc.

The only way to get out of it is to find something larger than myself.

I remember that feeling back in April of 2008 when I sky dived. I jumped out of an airplane, and even though I was falling so fast, it felt like time had stopped. I felt so small up there. I was nothing up there. It was as if nothing mattered anymore...none of my problems existed. Completely vanished. As i looked around and my breath was taken away, it felt magical. I was completely humbled that day! Beauty is around us...great things are amongst us.

I also remember my 2nd time out on the rock. My friend, Mark, took me climbing at Looking Glass in October 2007...he took me traditional climbing, multi-pitch up the Nose. It was hard. It was scary. It was beautiful up there. At the same time that I wanted to cry and come down, I wanted to laugh and scream out at the top of my lungs and jump for joy! I had never been so emotional (except for when it was that time of the month). Just like when I felt so small flying in the sky that day in 2008, I was utterly and completely humbled this day on The Nose at Looking Glass. I was so high up. The wind was whipping around me...the beautiful colors of the fall leaves...that feeling of accomplishment. I was high. High on life. I had found something way larger than myself.

I want to find that feeling again. I want to be humbled and moved. I want to surround myself with more positivity and less negative, unhealthy energy. I want more humbling experiences. I want simple.

There is a song out now by Rob Thomas. (I love him) I love the lyrics. I wanted to share them.
As I look inside to embrace learning, I want to reach for something larger than myself. I want to live my life out loud!

"You can go, you can start all over again
You could try to find a way to make another day go by
You can hide, hold all your feelings inside
You could try to carry on when all you wanna do is cry

And maybe someday we'll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
And try to find a way to make things better now that
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow, someday

Now we wait and try to find another mistake
If you throw it all away then maybe you could change your mind
You can run, oh, and when everything is over and done
You could shine a little light on everything around you
Man, it's good to be someone

And maybe someday we'll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to make things better now that
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow, someday

And I don't wanna wait, I just wanna know
I just wanna hear you tell me so
Give it to me straight, tell it to me slow'

Cause maybe someday we'll figure all this out
We'll put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to just feel better now that
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow, someday'

Cause sometimes we don't really notice
Just how good it can get
So maybe we should start all over
Start all over again'

Cause sometimes we don't really notice
Just how good it can get
So maybe we should start all over
Start all over again

is it weird?

...that i actually LIKE mowing the grass?

I mean, I HATE house-work. I hate dusting, doing dishes, cleaning the bathrooms, mopping, etc.

(I do like vacuuming though)

For some reason, I love mowing my yard and trimming hedges. I would rather do that type of work than clean a bathroom or wash dishes or dust or just straighten up.

Hmmm...

focus on the big picture...

Dare not wish to change even the slightest thing about a loved one, Sue, without first understanding how it might change the rest of them.

Keep your eye on the ball,
The Universe

Besides, if the big picture is rocking you, Sue, why make a fuss over a few splots?
Splots is now a word. Literally, as in now now.

the subtle fashions of fear

The subtle fashions of fear include:

• Boredom
• Restlessness
• Procrastination
• Compulsively being involved with some activity
• Insomnia
• Stress-related physical symptoms such as stomach aches, headaches, or other body pain.

“We all live with and cannot escape from uncertainties, difficulties, illness, aging, death, and an inability to fully control life events.”

It’s important to expose these subtle fears to gain more freedom over our days and to make sure that we don’t look back as Mark Twain did saying: “I am a very old man and have suffered a great many misfortunes, most of which never happened.”

Better Kinds of Wild

Those who are needy of attention, Sue, hide from themselves their greatness.

Those who are needy of opportunity, Sue, hide from themselves their power to create.

And those who are needy of love, Sue, hide from themselves what's already there.

But boy, oh boy, are they in for a wild ride.

The Universe

Sue, there are better kinds of wild. Trust me.

Patellar Maltracking

So the MRI showed that I have some blistering going on under my patella.

It is caused by patellar maltracking. My knee cap is off-track. It rubs and grinds in the wrong places when I am bending my knees. It comes from the quads being weak. Not all of my quad muscles are weak...the quads encompass a huge muscle group on their own.

http://www.aafp.org/afp/991101ap/2012.html

http://www.mooreclinic.com/client_resources/patient-ed/Patella%20Maltracking.pdf

Basically, I have to start physical therapy. I have to retrain my patella to track properly.

I will be going twice a week for 4 weeks for PT.

Well, I'm just glad it's nothing major! But this shit still hurts though. It's a very common problem according to my ortho.

Wish me luck!!!

Stoked!!!

I leave work early today to go up to Cashier's, NC.

I am climbing with a new crew this weekend. We are climbing at Laurel Knob, and I am really super stoked.

We are climbing Laurel Knob on Saturday and at Big Green on Sunday. So far, I know we are getting on Central Pillar and escaping to Seconds if we have to. Then Sunday, it's Hypocrite's Corner.

It's all trad and multi-pitch...and granite slab!

It should be stellar! Perfect weather too.

I will take tons of pics and write a blog when i return. Wish me luck! :)

falling...

The only way to learn sometimes is to fall down and pick yourself back up.

I am deathly afraid of falling while on lead. I will either bail the route completely or hang on every bolt.

Last year, I did my first lead ever in the gym (I've led outdoors before though), and I fell. My first fall too. It didn't feel too good. My belayer was bigger than me and did not know how (obviously) to give me a soft catch. It was a horrible jolt and i banged into the wall hard! It hurt. Ever since, I have been deathly afraid to fall.

Tuesday night, in the gym, i practiced falling on lead.

I would climb a few holds above my bolt and just let go on purpose. I had to do this to see what falling would be like again. I had a different partner this time and I had some experienced leaders in there that night to coach me on lead and coach my partner in lead belaying for me. It really helped. It made me more comfy to be on lead. I think next Tuesday, I will be able to lead that route clean.

I lead 2 route this past weekend at The New. I am tired of hanging on bolts.

Learn to Cultivate Joy

I'm not really sure how to do this right now....I mean, I know it's true, but...

I do know that anger steals your joy in life. Am I really angry? No, I don't think so. I just feel uncomfortable and a little awkward moreso.

“Between stimulus and response, there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom.” - Viktor Frankl

We need to be able to recognize that space so we can choose to get out of our habitual cycles of potential negative rumination and realize we have a choice and that choice may be to practice ways to awaken joy in our lives or incline our minds toward the good. This is not to ignore the difficulties in our lives, but just to help correct the automatic negativity bias that’s neurologically built in as a survival mechanism. Right now, I want to do more than just survive. You know? I want to live well.

But is my choice to remove myself a wrong choice? I mean, I face my other fears in life head on.
Then again, I'm probably comparing apples to oranges and giving myself a really hard time.

“We often think if only life were a little different—better, easier, more comfortable, more in my favor—then I could feel joy. We hold our joy out there like a carrot on a stick, saying, ‘When I get through this conflict with my boss or my mother, then maybe I’ll have a moment of joy, or when I get past my depression, my despair, my loneliness…’ But the potential for joy is always present, and the key to accessing it is saying ‘Yes’ to whatever is true in this moment, whether or not we like what’s going on or expect it." - Carolynn Hobbs, from the book Awakening Joy by James Baraz

But we are also supposed to take care of ourselves too. How can we say yes to something we already know will put us in a situation that would harm us or make us act out or add drama to our life somehow? But then again, drama is about perception too....we as humans create our own drama.

“This of something in your life that you’re not too happy about—perhaps a conflict, a health issue, something you wish hadn’t appeared at all. Without any judgment, notice your first reaction. Then try saying ‘Yes’ to this situation. Notice what happens inside you as you do this. What you’re experiencing may not be what you wanted or expected, but saying yes can empower you and give you the courage to handle whatever rests on your plate.” - Carolynn Hobbs

Carolynn Hobbs is the author of Joy, No Matter What. Maybe I should read her book?

What gives me joy and what holds me back from joy right now in this present moment are the exact same things. It doesn't make much sense to me either!!!

holy cow...

So, I'm having knee issues (again)....it's not like they ever stopped.

My doc appointment was this past Monday, but they coudn't get me in for an MRI until this Monday, the 29th. Bummer! Guess when my follow-up appointment is for the MRI? On the 12th of April. LOL

I have 2 climbing trips and a bridge run all beore that follow-up appointment! Jeez.

I am betting that I'm wasting a shit ton of money on this MRI. I really don't think there is a tear. I think my muscles are just really weak and some are overtrained compared to others.

I bought some knee braces/supports to start using. I hate the way they feel on the back of my legs, but my knee feels really supported though!

I have a race in May that I'm kinda worried about now. I'm doing the Warrior Dash. It's a 3+ mile race with 11 obstacles. It's mainly for fun, but I would like to be able to run though.

It hurts to sit crossed-leg at my desk at work. But I won't even be able to start ANY physical therapy until after the 12th of April. What a joke!!! I'm so frustrated.

a crowded mountain

Saturday, March 20, 2010

I went with Eddie, Jan, Nicole, Ashley, Tobias and Rebecca to Crowder's Mountain.

And yes, it was pretty crowded as usual. I have only been there maybe 3 times before this? And it is always crowded.

I had a blast yesterday. I felt like I got victory too.

There was a route called The Opinionated 5.9 on The Red Wall that I had to be lowered on (TR) back in 2007 on my 3rd outdoor trip. I had just started climbing really in late July 2007 in the gym. Yesterday was my first time getting back on this route (TR), and I topped it out! :)

There was this really weird 5.8 we climbed that was really rough. It had finger holes/pockets all over the place. Just different, but I liked it. It was a fun climb.

We climbed on another 5.9 (don't know the name). It was our first route of the day, so I went left on that route and did the easier version. HA! I climbed this one twice. I cleaned the anchor when we were all done.

I also tried a 10b. But i couldn't get through this one area so I had to come down. It was my first real climbing trip/outing of the season/year. I'm just out of shape.

Crowder's isn't really that bad. There are some great routes there. I mean, I would never say it is a destination crag, but hey, it is 2 hours away. It is Columbia's version of Raleigh's, Pilot Mountain.... Our other two crags nearby that are only about 2 to 2.5 hrs away are Rumbling Bald and Looking Glass Rock...they are slab though.

I'm not sure how I feel about the approach at Crowder's. The first time, it was awful. The 2nd time, it was awful. The 3rd time...awful. I mean, for my ankles, it was great. It is an uphill gravel road and at the end of the road, there is a staircase. Not too bad, if you are good at cardio and like the quad burn. But I still think I prefer those approaches where you have trees and roots to use for hand holds, etc. But those are the ones that I'm scared to face plant on. It's gonna hurt.

After the approach to the top of Crowder's. You must then go down to the base of the crag. You go through all of this crazy scrambling. From there you can hang top ropes from the top or go down this gully (harder than the 3 bears gully at Pilot) to David's Castle. It had been forever since I had been out there. But once you get out there, it all comes back.

I have been having knee issues lately. I feel pretty good today though. My arms and pecs and back are sore though....it hurts to breathe! lol
But this is really the first trip of the year. Two weekends ago, I was at RB and we did tons of hiking and bushwhacking......but no climbing, really. So I consider yesterday to be my first time getting back out on the rock. I've been bouldering twice this year and ice climbed once. I'm ready to get back in shape. I can tell my endurance sucks too. Before May of last year, I was running a lot and more active and in the best shape ever. I didn't climb as much as I would've liked compared to 2008. And I wasn't doing yoga.

2010 is gonna be better I hope. NO more laziness.

no more dysfunctional bs in my life, please!

I really want more backbone......i want tougher skin. I want to be true to myself in every sense of the word....not let others get to me. I don't want to be rude or mean to people, but I just don't want to care one bit what they think. I want to be able to detach myself from things that don't matter.

I want to relax more. Relax in my own skin.

I want to stop comparing myself to others.....why? Why would you ever do that to yourself?

I want to be more laid back.

I want more confidence...break down mental blocks.

I want to be far, far away from those who cause me anxiety...why would i want that in my life? I want to be around others who are laid back and are more positive and I can feed off of what they are sending me.

I want to toughen up and "man up"!

I want to laugh it off when things get hard...not take things in this life so seriously.

I want to be around someone who will dig me up when the better part of me gets covered, not around those who hold me back with their own fears or shortcomings...I don't want to be around those who instill doubt into my mind. And I definitely don't want to be with those who give up on me.

I have started on this long road, but I still have so much farther to go yet!

:)

some advice for me...

http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/columnists/chi-schmich-sunscreen-column,0,4054576.column

Wow! This article was pretty awesome!

I've been feeling kinda down lately. A friend sent this to me. Clever!!!

Haven't Met You Yet by Michael Buble

I'm Not Surprised
Not Everything Lasts
I've Broken My Heart So Many Times,
I Stop Keeping Track.
Talk Myself In
I Talk Myself Out
I Get All Worked Up
And Then I Let Myself Down.

I Tried So Very Hard Not To Loose It
I Came Up With A Million Excuses
I Thought I Thought Of Every Possibility

And I Know Someday That It'll All Turn Out
You'll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out
And I Promise You Kid That I'll Give So Much More Than I Get
I Just Haven't Met You Yet

Mmmmm ....

I Might Have To Wait
I'll Never Give Up
I Guess It's Half Timing
And The Other Half's Luck
Wherever You Are
Whenever It's Right
You Come Out Of Nowhere And Into My Life

And I Know That We Can Be So Amazing
And Baby Your Love Is Gonna Change Me
And Now I Can See Every Possibility

Mmmmm ......

And Somehow I Know That It Will All Turn Out
And You'll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out
And I Promise You Kid I'll Give So Much More Than I Get
I Just Haven't Met You Yet

They Say All's Fair
And In Love And War
But I Won't Need To Fight It
We'll Get It Right
And We'll Be United

And I Know That We Can Be So Amazing
And Being In Your Life Is Gonna Change Me
And Now I Can See Every Single Possibility

Mmmm .....

And Someday I Know It'll All Turn Out
And I'll Work To Work It Out
Promise You Kid I'll Give More Than I Get
Than I Get Than I Get Than I Get

Oh You Know It'll All Turn Out
And You'll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out
And I Promise You Kid To Give So Much More Than I Get
Yeah I Just Haven't Met You Yet

I Just Haven't Met You Yet
Oh Promise You Kid
To Give So Much More Than I Get

I Said Love Love Love Love Love Love Love .....
I Just Haven't Met You Yet
Love Love Love .....
I Just Haven't Met You Yet

Columbia, SC

Not really a bad place to live, really.

I am 2 hrs. from 3 different NC crags.
3 to 3.5 hrs away from some GA crags and the other NC crags!
2 hrs. from Charleston, SC and 2.5 to 3 hrs from a ton of nice beaches!
5.5 hrs. from The New River Gorge in West Virginia and 5.5 hrs away from some great climbing in TN and Alabama!!!
Charlotte, NC is only 1.5 hrs away and there is an international airport there.
Some great climbing at Seneca Rocks in only 7 hrs away and The Red is only 8 hrs away.


We have rivers here for kayaking, and an actual city dowtown. A small one, but a city nonetheless.

We have a forest here to bike in.

We have an awesome National Forest here...The Congaree Swamp!

I have a climbing gym here.

The cost of living here is so much cheaper than most places!!!

I don't know...I'm pretty content.